Lost in a Sea of Grief
My journey on the sea of grief began on July 17, 1990. It was one of the most bittersweet days of my life. On this day, my first born, Laura Michelle Henderson, came into the world. Four and a half hours later, she left my arms, to be in the arms of Jesus.
Often, the world assumes that grief is easier for Christians to bear. That is not true! As a Christian, I know that God is all powerful. He could have intervened and healed my baby, but He didn't. I had to deal with that. Have you ever been there; knowing that God could have intervened, but He didn't? That is a hard place to be!
I had read about the stages of grief. I found myself going through shock, denial, then I was stuck in the middle stage of anger. I hit an emotional brick wall, when I realized my anger was fully directed at God. I didn't know what to do with it. I thought that good Christian girls weren't suppose to be angry at God. So, I did what I always do when I'm angry at someone. I stopped talking to him! I stopped praying to God. I stopped reading his Holy Bible. I still went to church, but I was only going through the motions. Most of all, I quit trusting in him. I felt He had let me down when I needed Him the most!
During this time, two books came into my possession. The first book is called Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse. This book was filled with practical advice. One of the main points was that grief is unique to every individual. Your grief will not look like your spouse's grief. You need to give one another permission to grieve in your own way. This was timely advice. I was already feeling resentment towards my husband, because he didn't seem as heartbroken as I did. His grief looked very different from mine. When I shared this concept with my husband, we gave each other permission to grieve in our own way. Just because I was having a bad day, didn't mean he had to have a bad day. The opposite was true as well. Just because he was sad, didn't mean I had to feel guilty for having a good day.
The other timely book that came to me was If God is So Good, Why Do I Feel So Bad? by David Biebel. This book encouraged me to be real with God; to share my feelings of anger with him. I couldn't believe it. Wasn't I supposed to be like Job, the great man of patience? I read the book of Job, and found that he was very real with God! Job was angry, frustrated, and depressed. He never lost faith in God, but he freely express his feelings to the Lord. I went back to the grief book, and it explained that God already knows you're angry. Perhaps, God would rather have you talk to Him in anger, than not talk to Him at all. The book went on to say, that being angry with God is not the same thing as unbelief. After all, we don't get angry at someone we don't believe exists. I thought about this idea of being real with God for several days.
One afternoon, I decided it was time to to share my anger with the Lord. I started telling Him how unfair it was that a baby who was loved and wanted was taken; while other babies are thrown into dumpsters, and born to abusive parents. I ranted and raved, and basically pitched a fit. I had myself a good old pity party! When I was spent and could not shed another tear, I was overcome with this feeling of peace. The Bible describes it as "the peace that passes understanding" (Philippians 4:7) It felt like God was wrapping me up in his arms, saying to me, "I know, I know."
At that moment, three distinct thoughts came into my mind.
First, even if God stood right there and explained why my precious baby had died, my human mind would go,"Huh?" I was not going to understand why my baby had to die, while I was here on this earth. The second thought, was that I would see my precious child again. Third, when I see my child again, she will not say,"I wish I could have lived on earth."
Things changed between the Lord and me after that day. I got back into his word. He showed me He understood my pain. "He is a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering." (Isaiah 53:3) He understands the depth of our heartache. John 11:35 tells us, "Jesus wept." He was crying because He understood the grief of his friends even though He knew He would resurrect Lazarus from the dead.
Ultimately, God showed me He understands what it means to lose a child. God gave His only son for us. " For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) It is freeing to know that I can be real with God. When those waves of grief come, I can hold on to Him and He will lift me up. He is the only one who can take my heartache and exchange it for joy!
Isaiah 61:1-3
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them on crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of despair."
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